Being a child of the 80s, we not only had the best music ever, but we also spent our pre-teens in the '70s watching Chuck Norris movies. Spoiler: The good guy always wins, no matter how bad the acting is. So much so, that Chuck Norris acquired cult status for his apparent invincibility and Christ-like infallibility, his ging-ger mullet hairstyle, his downhill-Volkswagen-Beetle physiognomy, his same-ish martial arts moves, and his dreadful acting. But we thought the movies were awesome back then.
Still, you can't be a celeb without being the butt of a few jokes, and a whole new formula of jokes was born around Chuck Norris. Here are some of the good jokes:
- When Chuck Norris peels onions, only the onions cry.
- Chuck Norris was exposed to Covid-19. Covid-19 had to go into quarantine for a month.
- Chuck Norris didn't call the wrong number, you answered the wrong phone.
- Chuck Norris once wrestled a bear, an alligator, and a tiger all at once. He won by tying them together with an anaconda.
- There are no streets named after Chuck Norris because no one would ever cross Chuck Norris
- When Alexander Graham Bell first invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
- Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris doesn't pay taxes, taxes pay Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
- When day breaks, Chuck Norris fixes it.
- Chuck Norris once had an arm wrestling contest with superman. I'm not going to say who won, but the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside for the rest of his life.
- George Lucas couldn't cast Chuck Norris as Luke Skywalker in the original Star Wars trilogy. If he did, it would be only 8 minutes long. 7 of those minutes are for the intros and credits.
- Chuck Norris never needs to flush the toilet. He always scares the crap out of it.
- The laws of physics always bend the rules for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris didn't get a Covid-19 vaccine. Covid-19 got a Chuck Norris vaccine.
- Chuck Norris once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
- Chuck Norris is able to slam a revolving door.
- Chuck Norris knows exactly what to do with the drunken sailors early in the morning.
- Chuck Norris played a game of rock, paper scissors against his reflection, and won.
- The Swiss Army uses Chuck Norris Knives.
- Chuck Norris is able to start a fire using an extinguisher.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need to throw out the trash, it always throws itself out.
- Chuck Norris is able to recycle toxic waste.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a coal mine and turned it into a diamond mine.
- When Chuck Norris lifts weights, the weights get in shape.
- Chuck Norris is able to strangle people using a cordless phone.
- Chuck Norris is the reason that Wally is always hiding.
- When Chuck Norris falls from a great height, the ground has its life flash before its eyes.
- When Chuck Norris enters a building that is on fire, the Chuck Norris alarm rings.
- When Chuck Norris looked into the abyss, the abyss looked the other way.
- The Grand Canyon was formed when Chuck Norris was doing a triathlon. Chuck Norris was on the swimming leg.
- Bigfoot is still hiding because he once saw Chuck Norris walking in the mountains.
- The Loch Ness Monster claims to have seen Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can drink a whole glass of beer. Yep, even the glass.
- Chuck Norris doesn't negotiate with terrorists. The terrorists negotiate with Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris won an arm wrestling tournament, with both arms tied behind his back.
- When Chuck goes bowling he doesn't just get every pin with a single bowl, he gets every pin in the bowling alley.
- The reason why people say it's pointless for Trump to build a wall is because Chuck Norris walks to Mexico and back once a month.
- Ghosts tell Chuck Norris stories at the campfire.
- Burger King made their slogan "Have it your way" when Chuck Norris walked into their restaurant.
- Chuck Norris mines bitcoin with a pen and paper.
- When Chuck Norris goes to a restaurant, the waiter tips him.
- Tornados don't exist, Chuck Norris just really doesn't like trailer parks.
- Chuck Norris was born May 6th 1945. The Nazis surrendered May 7th 1945. This is not a coincidence.
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity more than once.
- Chuck Norris has a bear rug on his lounge floor. The bear is still alive, it is just afraid to move.
- Chuck Norris doesn't go to the gym, instead, he goes shoplifting.
- If Chuck Norris were on The Titanic the iceberg would have dodged the ship.
- When Chuck Norris was a child at school, his teachers would raise their hands in order to talk to him.
- When Chuck Norris's parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.
- When Chuck Norris crosses the road, vehicles look both ways.
- Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts are stimulated from touching his shoulders.
- Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 100 men, after that the grenade exploded.
- Chuck Norris was able to smell a gas leak before they added the scent to gas.
- Chuck Norris has a diary, it is called the Guinness Book Of World Records.
- Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to season his meat.
- Chuck Norris is able to sketch your portrait using an eraser.
- The dinosaurs once looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way, that is why we no longer have dinosaurs.
- When Chuck Norris wears a fanny pack, everyone else looks gay.
- Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with one bird.
- Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now just called "The Islands".
- Chuck Norris doesn't need to wear a watch, he decides what time it is.
- When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
- Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
- Ozzy Osbourne once bit the head off a bat. In response, Chuck Norris bit the head off Batman.
- Chuck Norris once took LSD just to give his hallucinations a bad trip.
- Chuck Norris hates ties. He prefers wins instead.
- Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
- Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
- Tornadoes are actually a result of Chuck Norris punching the wind.
- Ghosts tell Chuck Norris stories at the campfire.
- When Chuck Norris steps on a Lego, the Lego cries.
- When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
- Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the Universe into existence. They called it The Big Bang.
- Scientists say our Universe is constantly expanding. It’s actually running away from Chuck Norris.
- The Dead Sea was alive before Chuck Norris swam there.
- Chuck Norris narrates Morgan Freeman’s life.
- Chuck Norris only goes to sleep to let the Earth rest.
- The seismic scale actually has a magnitude above 9, it’s called “the Chuck Norris’ Sneeze”.
- When Chuck Norris is in Rome, the Romans do as Chuck Norris does.
- After Chuck Norris hits the gym, it needs to shut down for repairs.
- When Chuck Norris can’t go to the gym, he goes shoplifting.
- Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was too close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
- Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
- Chuck Norris thinks, therefore the World is.
- They wanted to put Chuck Norris on Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn’t tough enough for his beard.
- Some kids pee their names in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.
- Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
- Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
- When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it actually affects the world economy.
- Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe air, he breathes fear.
- Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.
- When Chuck Norris needs an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
- There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t turn the shower on. He just stares at it until it starts to cry.
- Chuck Norris eats bullets for breakfast. Better not be around when he burps.
- There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned up the sun.
- Chuck Norris can charge a cell phone by rubbing it against his beard.
- Chuck Norris admitted to using stunt doubles in movies, but only for the crying parts.
- Chuck Norris does not need Twitter. He is already following you.
- Chuck Norris protects his guardian angel.
- When Chuck Norris pours milk on his Rice Crispies, they shut the hell up.
- Chuck Norris plays Russian Roulette with a fully loaded revolver and won.
- Chuck Norris keeps a diary. It is known as the Guinness Book of World Records.
- Chuck Norris does not turn the shower on, he just stares at the shower until it starts to cry.
- Aliens believe in Chuck Norris.
